Transforming Grief and Loss

Dr. Vikki T. Gaskin-Butler

During the past year or so, I've experienced multiple traumatic losses. My mother-in-law died on May 9, 2020. My mother died on June 10, 2020. One of my closest friends died on September 2, 2020. There were additional losses, an aunt, a cousin, church members, and others. With each loss, I faced a decision: choose to be depressed or choose to heal. I chose to heal. I cannot say this was/is an easy choice because healing occurs with each breath I breathe. It is a choice I've learned to make moment by moment. Some people take things one day at a time. I've learned that my healing requires me to live one moment at a time.


Losing my mother-in-law, mother, and close friend was shocking, and none of their deaths were expected. As I reflect on these losses, I think about how I have continued to live with a reasonable portion of my health and well-being. Walking meditations (and other mindfulness meditations), riding my bike, doing yoga, writing (especially in my gratitude journal), singing, listening to music, leaning on family and friends, changing my diet (and losing weight), and trying to improve my sleep habits, have helped me to cope with my grief. I also had to learn how to ask for help and extend myself some grace and self-compassion when I did not meet deadlines or live up to my extremely high expectations.


Knowing that others were depending on me forced me to choose myself first for a change. I had to take care of myself first. If I did not take care of myself, I would not be there for those who needed me.


Today and every day, I choose to be whole. Even when I feel sad, angry, frustrated, or anxious, I am still whole. Feeling those emotions enables me also to feel joy, peace, happiness, and contentment. Experiencing and embracing the broad range of emotions allows me to be fully myself -- fully human and fully divine.


Each of us can choose the way we want to live -- even during the most challenging times. Our circumstances may sometimes alter our choices, and that's okay. Choosing to be healthy and whole requires different decisions at different times. When things are going well, the choices we make may not be the same choices we make when things go awry. Either way, I believe we always have a choice.

Long Term Health

By Dr. Vikki Gaskin-Butler • July 21, 2022
We are often susceptible to fad diets, mental health tricks or hacks, or spiritual shortcuts to get immediate results. However, ultimately we know these things are good for the short game, not the long game. Creating lasting change takes time. Have you ever asked yourself what you really want in your life? Do you want a healthy body - notice I did not say do you want to lose weight? Do you want a healthy mind - free from anxiety, depression, or other mental health challenges? Do you want a rich spiritual life? If you answer yes to any of these questions, ask yourself, “What am I willing to do for the long-term?” Are you willing to make small changes that can become habits? If so, choose one thing you’d like to change. Start by researching what it will take for you to make the change. Enlist the help and support of others – accountability partner, coach, therapist, spiritual confidante, or friend. Let them know your goal. Let them know your struggles. Ask for assistance to help you reach your goal. Knowing this is part of the process whenever you slip back into old habits. Then go back to the practice you’re trying to develop as soon as possible.  You will ultimately succeed, but remember, you’re in this for the long haul. Change takes time. As long as you’re alive, you have more time.

The World Is Waiting For You

By Dr. Vikki Gaskin-Butler • July 20, 2022
How often have you stopped yourself from doing something because you thought about what others would say? Perhaps you thought they would criticize you for doing something ridiculous. Or maybe you thought they would think you were incapable or incompetent to complete the task. Well, the truth is many people who have succeeded in achieving their dreams or reaching their goals have felt the same way. Yet, instead of stopping themselves when criticized by others, they persisted. They decided to do “the thing” anyway. What is holding you back from doing your thing? What are people saying? What are you saying to yourself? I would argue that the most critical voice is the voice in your head. What do you need to tell yourself to do what the world is waiting for you to do? What stands between you and your destiny? Most likely, it’s not other people. It’s probably you.  The good news is you can change your mindset and actions to move in the direction you want to go. The world is waiting for you to be your whole, best self. When you show up as your authentic self, others respond in kind.

Caring for the Soul

By Dr. Vikki Gaskin-Butler • February 17, 2022
African religions and philosophy teach us that there is no distinction between the sacred and the secular. Therefore, many things that are described as sacred are no different from those things that are considered secular. The emphasis is on the unity of life. African psychology teaches us that the spirit is composed of the mind and body. Ancient Greek philosophy emphasized a separation of the mind from the body. However, ancient African philosophy emphasized the unity of life – the unity of mind and body. Therefore, to care for one’s spirit is to care for one’s mind and body as one entity. Mental health has been a taboo subject in our community. However, it is slowly losing its stigma. Some prefer to deal with mental health issues by ignoring them. Some choose to handle mental health problems via religion. We are sometimes taught to “pray about it” or to get counseling from our pastors. We somehow separate the sacred from the secular, the spiritual from the psychological, and then combine them all at the same time. That is, we may acknowledge psychological problems only to the extent that we relegate them to the spiritual realm. We sometimes shy away from discussing psychological concerns with those who are trained to help us who may or may not be religious. Instead, we choose to receive psychological services from those who are “trained” to care for our spiritual or religious needs and wonder why we do not feel better psychologically. Interestingly enough, many pastors will admit they are ill-equipped to handle the many mental health issues present in their congregations. I have encountered pastors who were relieved to have mental health professionals to whom they could turn for personal and congregational concerns. Because the sacred and secular are one, the human mind or psyche lies within our spirit. Ancient and many present day Africans understood that to care for one’s mind was to care for one’s spirit. The ancient African may have wondered why we even distinguish psychologists and other mental health professionals from clergy. To them there was no difference between the two professions. To heal the mind was to heal the spirit. Although mental health professionals have been given the charge of healing our minds, I believe they are ultimately working to heal our souls. So the next time you are confronted with a mental health issue, I suggest you consider praying about it (if you’re religious and prayer is one of your practices), seek the prayers and counsel of your religious leaders (if that is part of your religious tradition), and seek the assistance of a qualified mental health professional who can help you heal your soul.